I am obsessed with Usborne’s adorable touchy-feely baby books in the “That’s Not My” series. Yes, it’s my obsession – not my son’s.
It started innocently enough, with a gift of “That’s Not My Dragon”. Then, right around the time baby boy was starting to enjoy books, a friend gave me “That’s Not My Penguin” and “That’s Not My Dinosaur”.
“I didn’t know it was a series!”
“Oh yes,” my friend replied. “There are almost a hundred of them.”
Just like that, I was hooked.
Once upon a time, I enjoyed spending my hard-earned cash on worthless collectibles like Magic the Gathering cards and complex board games. Now, I don’t have much time for hobbies, so I’ve turned to a new kind of cardboard to scratch my collecting itch. I find them in thrift stores. I buy them new. I ask for them for gifts – for my son. Yep. My son.
To be fair, baby boy does love these books. I think he finds the repetition soothing, and he loves to reach out and touch the pages. The books all follow the same pattern, and there are lots of fun textures for babies and young toddlers to feel. There’s also a mouse on every page – in my mind, the narrator – and toddlers enjoy finding and pointing it out.
The books also make a cute rainbow display on the bookshelf. Mine is missing orange… which means tiger, wombat, bat, zebra and duck – I’m looking for you.
And now, all 19 in my collection, ranked from worst to best.
19. That’s Not My Unicorn
Skating by on the exotic appeal of unicorns, this one really phones it in.
Plus, the real payoff of these books is the last page where you find what your whatever is. This payoff better be good.
Sparkly? SPARKLY? Boo! Boo! Boring! It’s not even fun to touch, and this is a touchy-feely book. Try harder.
18. That’s Not My Witch
Ends on a similarly lame note: her wand is so sparkly. Beats unicorn only because one of the witches has a satisfyingly fluffy cat.
17. That’s Not My Goat
My 1-year-old wants nothing to do with this one.
Is it because the cover is boring?
Is it because one of his best baby friends was recently bitten by a goat at a petting zoo?
Is it because goats are a symbol of Satan?
16. That’s Not My Dolly
Fun fact: I was never into dolls as a child. Maybe that’s why I had such a poorly developed maternal instinct that I didn’t become a mom until 40. Anyways, yawn.
15. That’s Not My Prince
Also suffers from the lame “sparkly” reveal at the end. Plus, there’s something sort of weird about the ones based on humans or otherwise sentient creatures. What does it mean that he’s “my” prince – we shouldn’t assert ownership over people.
However, the hilarious hairstyles and fashion choices save this one.
14. and 13. That’s Not My Baby
A pink version for girls and a blue version for boys. My baby likes both equally because at the end it’s a mirror and my baby is you! (Baby mind blown.)
12. That’s Not My Mermaid
Are we really going to pretend that the biggest distinguishing feature between these mermaids is the squashy necklace and the shiny mirror?
11. That’s Not My Santa
Okay, wait a minute. There’s only one Santa. What are we teaching children?
10. That’s Not My Pumpkin
Now we’re getting to the good stuff.
The illustrations in this one are really fun, with really striking contrast on each page. My little guy picked this one again and again… and again.
Some points off for a lame last page (again with the sparkly), but fun textures throughout the rest. It’s got bumpy! It’s got fuzzy! It’s got rough!
9. That’s Not My Bunny
Sure, bunnies might be basic.
But look.
Do you see this creepy bunny?
Do you see him… staring into your soul? His eyes are too shiny.
8. That’s Not My Polar Bear
This one I got at the thrift store without checking the inside first. When I got home, I realized that the pages had been seriously torn up… and these are sturdy little books. But that means this one was well-loved… as it should be! The polar bear at the end has a seriously fluffy tummy.
7. That’s Not My Reindeer
Delightful. Festive. Lots of fluff.
6. That’s Not My Elephant
This one is cute and popular with baby boy.
However, points deducted for having “it’s ears are too rough” as the cover… that Velcro material picks up every dog hair and dust bunny from around the house.
5. That’s Not My Penguin
See that penguin? That’s not my penguin. Its wings are too velvety.
I am happy that’s not my penguin. That penguin looks insane.
Besides this angry one, the rest of the penguins are pretty cute. At the end, you know you’ve found your penguin because its baby is so fluffy. Nothing about the penguin itself… just its cute baby. I relate: most people like my baby more than me.
4. That’s Not My Dinosaur
Dinosaurs. What else do you need?
3. That’s Not My Fox
Foxes have been a recurring theme since baby boy was born. Fox stuffies, fox pajamas, fox toys, fox sweaters – these keep on showing up in gifts from family and friends.
So of course, That’s Not My Fox was the first of these books when I went out scouring the thrift stores to expand my our collection.
The soft textures on this one are delightful.
2. That’s Not My Dragon
Look, you see a lot of the same textures repeated in these books.
This one ends with a fun scaly texture, which I don’t think I’ve seen in any of the other books.
(But is tufty a real word?)
1. That’s Not My Lion
Why is this the best one?
There’s a scary lion roaring lion partway through. You want a story to have emotional ups and downs.
Every toddler I know likes to roar.
The final lion’s mane really is so shaggy – it’s like a ’70s shag carpet stuck to the page.
