When baby boy was born, we swore we wouldn’t have any of those obnoxious plastic toys with flashing lights and annoying songs.
But then baby boy had colic. Or reflux. Or something. Still not 100% sure.
One day, I texted my brother (who has a kid eight months older than mine) to vent after a long bout of high-pitched screaming. My brother showed up 20 minutes later with this cheap-looking toy Ferris Wheel with a suction cup that didn’t work.
“We call it Lights and Sounds,” he said. “It was good for moments she wouldn’t stop crying.”
Ok, I thought. I’ll use it sparingly.
For a few weeks there, “Lights and Sounds” was the most reliable way to stop a crying fit in its tracks. Its awful music quickly wormed its way into my brain. Next time I saw my brother, I brought up one of the worst songs. Within seconds, he and I – along with our spouses – sang the words in unison.
I had discovered that these (usually terrible) songs can be a unifying force for new parents. A month later, at the first meeting with my Mommy Connections group, a few of us sang some of the greatest hits from the Fisher Price Kick and Play Piano.
Now that baby boy is more than a year, I decided to dig out all my singing toys and decide which of them is the worst. All together, we have five toys that sing songs with lyrics (this Baby Einstein toy that plays public domain classical music doesn’t count.) They are all bad. (Well, maybe with one exception.) I will rank them from worst to… least bad – or possibly even good?
5. The Worst: VTech Busy Learner Activity Cube
Truly, truly awful. There’s an equally inane song for each animal: The cat in the square, is peeking out of there! Miao miao miao miao the cat in the square!
Possibly, though, this one is so bad that it’s good again. Is this activity cube actually The Room of baby toys?
4. Still Absolute Garbage: VTech Sit-to-Stand Learning Walker
I might be feeling extra salty about this one. My 13-month-old currently spends his days walking back and forth with this thing, which means I’m turning him around about a hundred times a day when he runs into the wall.
Plus, if you accidentally leave it on, the toy’s little girl voice will just say “HELLO?” at random moments – really not great after dark.
VTech really has to up its songwriting game, although this one tries more than the activity cube.
It’s a decent walker, though, if you turn the sound off. Here is the most recent version, although I’m not sure if it has the same songs.
3. Quite Awful: VTech Turn and Learn Ferris Wheel
As I type out this article, I’m realizing that almost all of these toys are from the same company. Maybe my real problem is with VTech?
In any case, is it the same creepy adult-woman-pretending-to-be-a-little-girl singer for all of these VTech toys? Does this voice belong to some former ESL teacher in China who has been tricked into a lifetime of recording terrible songs for toddler toys? If we listen carefully enough to the songs, will we find a secret message that will tell her loved ones which factory she’s being kept in?
Well, I can’t be too mad at this toy, since it’s the previously mentioned “Lights and Sounds” that calmed my poor reflux baby during some of his worst moments.
2. Bad: VTech Pop-A-Balls Push and Pop Bulldozer
VTech! Did you let the woman go, or did you just temporarily get a male singer because bulldozing is a man’s job?
This one takes the #2 spot for the sole reason that it’s an adult voice, and therefore won’t spook me in the dark as much as the little girl voice.
1. Actually Kind Of Amazing: Fisher Price Kick & Play Piano Gym
John Legend has covered one of these songs. There are some truly excellent Tik Toks about it.
Everyone agrees – the Kick & Play Piano contains some absolute bangers.
Who is this songwriter? Will we ever know their name? Do they write songs for grownups, or have they dedicated their anonymous talents to Fisher Price alone?
The Elephant Song is my personal favourite, but this is great from beginning to end, including all the ska interludes.
