As represented by creepy AI-generated babies.
Two unrelated facts about my first year as a mom:
- Joining a mom’s group was one of the best things I did. In fact, I joined a couple. However, if you’re in Canada, I would particularly recommend joining a Mommy Connections group, even if the name of the company makes me cringe. I was worried about joining a mom group – I thought I would feel too old or that I wouldn’t vibe with the other moms. But my fears were unfounded and I ended up making some wonderful friends who have meant a lot this past year.
- I made some weird purchases during late-night feeding sessions. The weirdest was a subscription to Midjourney, the notorious AI image generator. Delirious from lack of sleep, I found the images fascinating. Now, with my one-year-old sleeping better and my mind sharper, I regret my paid access to the uncanny valley of deformed hands.
I will now make these two facts related by bringing to you… The Worst Babies in Your Mom’s Group… as represented by creepy AI babies.
(Unless it’s not clear, this is meant to be tongue-in-cheek, and I love all my mom friends’ babies.)
Worst Baby #1: The Impeccably Dressed One
My baby is usually wearing one-piece pajamas or, if I’m feeling particularly ambitious, a pair of pants from Carters with a lion on the butt.
Then this little jerk comes along looking like he’s walked off the runway to each and every playdate. His shirts look tailored. He accessorizes. He never wears the same outfit twice.
Just look at that cool face. He knows he looks good.
Worst Baby #2: The One Crushing Her Milestones Early
She’s rolling at a week old. She’s crawling at five months. Walking at nine. I heard that she’s already playing the cello and is planning on mastering Chinese before her second birthday.
Meanwhile, my baby is splayed out on the grass, eating a pinecone while watching WonderBaby do her thing.
Worst Baby #3: The One a Bit Too Old for the Group
Really, this baby’s great. But as the oldest baby in the group, he’s just a little over it.
When the others are still mastering tummy time, he’s crawling all over the place. When the rest learn to crawl, he’s already walking.
As a result, he frequently gives his mom a look that says: “why must I hang around these mere children?”
Worst Baby #4: The One Just Happy to Be There
Sunny disposition and an all-around positive attitude.
Her cries, occasional as they are, are adorable.
Ugh. The absolute worst.
Worst Baby #5: The Artisanal Organic Fair Trade Baby
His toys are wooden. His high chair is a Tripp Trapp. Unlike my baby, his body isn’t already filled with microplastics.
I’m not sure exactly what they cook at home, but I’m sure it’s wholesome and delicious.
He manages to pull off an earthy, bohemian aesthetic without falling into the sad beige baby trap. This is a happy baby who just happens to look great in beige.
Worst Baby #6: The One Who Will Eat All Your Snacks
Do not be deceived by her adorable little sundress.
Open a bag of Cheerios within a 10-mile radius and she will find you. Before you know it, she is climbing over you to get to the snacks, sort of like that scene in World War Z where the zombies storm the walls of Jerusalem.
A playdate with this baby is a fight with my baby over the dwindling supply of baby Mum Mums… and my baby is losing that fight.
Worst Baby #7: The Really, Really, Ridiculously Good Looking One
Everyone in the group got baby photos done by the same photographer.
And, fine. The fact that this baby was the only one out of the group to be featured in the photographer’s Instagram page settles the debate over who has the best-looking baby.
But, to quote Zoolander, there’s “more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking.”
Worst Baby #8: The Best Sleeper
Probably the worst of the bunch, this has actually been different babies at different points of time. But never mine.
Oh, he takes two hour naps in his crib?
Oh, she sleeps through the night?
Good for you!
In Conclusion
These babies are actually the best babies, as they’ve been my boy’s crew for close to a year now.
The real babies, that is.
The creepy AI babies can go right back to the infernal underworld whence they came. I hope they don’t give you nightmares.
A baby soap opera needs to happen!