Tier Ranking Sandra Boynton Books: Suck It, Snuggle Puppy

Unpopular opinion: the richest and most powerful person in America isn’t Elon Musk – it’s Sandra Boynton.

When baby boy was about two months old, a friend sent me this.

I didn’t get the joke… yet.

Now, I realize that Sandra Boynton books are like literary crack for toddlers.

Boyton churns out her board books like Stephen King at the height of his cocaine addiction. A quick Wikipedia search didn’t give me a easy number for how many books she’s written – instead, there was a long list, and I gave up counting at 50. I’m going to assume the answer is something around 10,000 (slight hyperbole).

Her books are ubiquitous. She’s sold over 90 million of them.

Announce that you are pregnant, and you will get a Sandra Boynton book within a week, or at least before baby is born. It’s a guarantee.

If you pull out one of her books to read to your toddler, don’t expect to read it once. My boy likes to shove it back in my hands and go “A-GA!” which I think means that Boynton is the reason for one of his first words, if he’s trying to say again.

This tier ranking is not remotely related to how much my baby boy likes each book. All Sandra Boynton books are crack for toddlers, and therefore he loves them all the same. Instead, they are ranked by how much I like them, since I’m the one that is going to have to read them again and again and again.

I’m starting with the ten I currently have. I’m sure that, within another year, I’ll have another batch to rank. We’ll be ranking Barnyard Dance, Doggies, Dinosaur Dance, Hey! Look at You! Little Pookie, Snuggle Puppy, How Big is Zagnodd?, Woodland Dance, Yay, You!, and Pajama Time, using the S-F tier list popular among gamers.

Barnyard Dance

I’ve thought of hiding this one.

Not just boring, it’s also annoying.

The rhymes in Barnyard Dance make me cringe: with a oink and a moo and a quack quack quack, the dance is done but we’ll be back!

Tier Ranking: F

Doggies

I can confidently say that this book accurately captures the ten styles of barking. In fact, the first three dogs perfectly represent the three main categories of dogs: woofers, yappers and whiners.

I have read Doggies seven times in a row without getting bored. Good dogs.

Tier Ranking: S

Dinosaur Dance

I know I said my baby’s opinion didn’t matter, but my boy’s reaction to this last page is just too adorable.

Why does he love it? Nobody understands the brain-altering science of Sandra Boynton.

Dinosaur Dance is pretty good. At least I get some cardio in.

Tier Ranking: A

Hey! Look at You!

Did Boynton even try with this one?

No, no she did not. She’s just printing money at this point.

Tier Ranking: F

Little Pookie

Little Pookie is what made me realize that Sandra Boynton must be filthy rich.

It’s ok, I guess. Cute enough. But there are nine sequels.

Do we really need “Spooky Pookie” and “Pookie’s Thanksgiving”? This is Boynton getting lazy, IMHO.

Tier Ranking: E

Snuggle Puppy

It’s catchy, but Snuggle Puppy creates unrealistic expectations for motherly love. I love what you are? Of course! I love what you do? Usually…

Look, I love my son unconditionally, but I don’t love it when he sticks his drool covered fingers down my mouth or grabs his own poop while I’m changing his diaper.

Tier Ranking: E

How Big is Zagnodd?

How Big is Zagnodd? is the Sandra Boynton equivalent of The Beatles’ psychedelic era. Her Sgt. Pepper’s, if you will.

I’m not saying she dropped acid to write this, but as it was published in late 2020, maybe she wrote it during a COVID-19 fever dream?

In any case – fantastic. Perfect in every way.

Tier Ranking: S

Woodland Dance

We had Barnyard Dance and Dinosaur Dance first, so I rolled my eyes when I saw this.

But Woodland Dance is magical. It’s poetry. Not sure baby boy gets it, but I love its mysterious tone.

Tier Ranking: S

Yay, You!

Not really a kids’ book – this one sits on my husband’s shelf. But it was enough to round out this list of ten without having to borrow another Pookie book from the library.

Perfect to give to someone graduating college – Yay, You! will be especially great to give in a couple decades to the kids who were raised on a steady diet of Sandra Boynton.

Tier Ranking: B

Pajama Time!

Catchy, fun… Pajama Time is just a little weird to read in the broad daylight.

Also… I’m a little offended on behalf of this warthog. Is she talking about the pajamas, or really making a commentary on his looks?

Tier Ranking: B