When I had my (first/only) baby at 40, I thought I would have a hard time making friends with other moms, since most would be a lot younger.
It turns out that new motherhood has been the biggest phase of new friendships I’ve experienced since university. Aside from discovering that I actually enjoy mom life, this has been the biggest surprise of having a baby.
I think that making mom friends is actually especially important if you’re on the, ahem, geriatric side of things.
Why? Well, if you’re pushing or past 40, chances are your pre-existing friends are in two camps:
- They had their kids awhile ago. These friends will be great for advice and hand-me-downs, but they are no longer “in the trenches” of having a new baby.
- They are pretty much committed to not having kids, whether by choice or circumstance. Now, don’t be the jackass that forgets about these friends just because you’re a mom and they “couldn’t possibly understand”. These friends are just as important, and can make great aunt and uncle-like figures in your baby’s life if they are up for it. Plus, they will remind you of the parts of your identity that aren’t connected to being a mom. Besides, with all the money they aren’t spending on their own kids, think of the presents! (Kidding.)
So, as a woman of advanced maternal age, as they now call it, you’re going to want to put yourself out there to make friends with new moms who are at the same stage.
You know: build that village people keep on saying you need. It’s a cliche, of course, but it’s true, and doesn’t just apply to older new moms. Having a baby and being on mat leave can be isolating, so having mom friends with babies will give you reasons to leave the house. Not to mention a group chat to turn to for questions like “should baby poop be this color?” or “why does he keep biting me?”
Don’t just take it from me. I turned to some of my mom friends and asked what they would say on the subject. Here’s what one of them said (another ahem “mom of a certain age”):
People-ing is hard some times but we are a social species. So even introverts need people, maybe in smaller doses but still. And moms need people too.
But how? How do you make mom friends, when making friends as an adult after university is pretty much the hardest thing ever? (Know this joke? Nobody talks about Jesus’s greatest miracle – having 12 close friends in his 30s.)
I asked my mom friends that too, and the most common answer was “be brave” or “put yourself out there”.
For more specific tips, though, here are ways to make mom friends:
1. Join an “official” moms group
There are businesses and organizations that make this easy for you and set you up with an arranged group.
That’s how I met the moms group I have spent the most time with – I joined a six-week “course” from when baby boy was a bit over 4 months old. When the six weeks were over, the group continued to get together once a week and we became great friends. The babies are all over a year now and many of us have gone back to work, but we still make time for each other and have a very active Whatsapp group.
I found this group through the “Mom and Baby” program from Mommy Connections, which has chapters across Canada. Mommy Connections isn’t free (and it has a cringeworthy name) but it was worth the cost. Some of us from the original “Mom and Baby” group later joined a “Mini Movers” group when our babies were a bit older, and while that group didn’t quite mesh the way the first one did, we still had fun. When baby is a bit older, I think we will join a “Parent and Tot” group.
If you’re not in Canada, just Google things like “mom group” and “mom classes” for your city. I tried this for a few cities in the States and found lots of options.
2. Make or join and unofficial moms group
Chances are, there are new moms in your neighborhood who also want to make friends.
Use the power of the Internet to make a neighborhood moms group. There’s surely a Facebook page for your neighborhood – be brave and post something about wanting to meet other moms! I bet you will have a bunch of people interested.
That’s how I found my other moms group – one brave soul posted on the neighborhood Facebook that she was looking to meet other moms. Within a couple of days there was a group chat, and about a week later we met up at a neighborhood cafe and went for a stroller walk.
This group was slower to get going, since we didn’t have an official meetup each week like my other group. But I got to know a bunch of other new moms in my neighborhood, and we also still get together! In fact, a bunch were over for a playdate at my house last week.
3. Go to the library!
Libraries are magical places when you have a kid. There are usually areas for kids to play, plus free programs for babies and toddlers.
I’m lucky because my city (Edmonton, Alberta) has a fantastic public library system. The branch near my house has programming for babies on Tuesdays and Thursdays, a play area, and a bunch more toddler programs.
When baby boy was little, we’d try to go to “Baby Laptime” at least once a week. I’d often see the same moms each time, so I got to know some of them pretty well! I’d also see moms from my other groups, and it created a nice sense of community.
Chances are, the library near you has something similar. Check it out.
4. Reach out to acquaintances
Maybe you don’t have any close friends who are having babies the same time as you. But think through all the people you know – I bet you know some people who are at a similar stage of motherhood. Maybe it’s a coworker you could get to know better. Maybe it’s a friend of a friend. Maybe there’s a friend from high school you haven’t seen in years.
Reach out! Chances are they would love to get together. One of my coworkers reached out to me a lot when I first had my baby (hers is a bit older), and now we’ve become better friends and I love getting our families together.
5. Give your number out!
I met a new mom in my neighborhood while we were out with our strollers. She seemed cool, and we said we should go walking together.
I never saw her again. I think she lives on the next block, but I have no idea what house. Oops!
Do the awkward thing and ask to exchange numbers when you meet a potential mom friend. Worst case scenario, it’s a number on your phone that you forget about. Best case scenario? A new friend!
6. Beware the Facebook groups
I’m not talking about neighborhood Facebook groups that can help you connect with people in real life.
I’m talking about the Facebook moms groups that have thousands (or even hundreds of thousands) of members.
These get really weird, and really judgmental… really fast.
Save yourself the drama and put yourself out there in real life.
Maybe you consider yourself an introvert. I personally love spending time by myself and get uncomfortable in big groups. But I promise, pushing yourself to make mom friends will make the first year of your baby’s life – and beyond – so much better.
